Desiree are the most dangerous weapons in the world. They drive your life to the point they make or break your life. They are addictive in nature while your suffering keeps on being maximized.
Lately I have been thinking about desires in a way I haven’t thought for a while. It’s not that I haven’t thought about them previously. As someone who keeps on philosophizing on ways of life, I have thought about life, its meaninglessness my entirety of existence, desires come into play early on. And I believe most of my life (and probably most of ours?) has been driven forward by desires that have had shaped and reshaped my mental Model about the world. But lately as an adult, I have been pondering about it more and more; somewhere on how I should lead my life and what I actually need to do in life. “need* I say because not want. There are so many wants while also needs are also many.
Adulthood has been challenging for the past recent years: day in day out dangling to this small thread of existential loneliness. To the point absurdly enough of not wanting to live. And those are the desires I have had many times and at times the desires to do something grander than life and cosmic. This spectrum of desires, as paradoxically superimposed, feels like a burden. I think this is difficult for everyone. And probably more difficult in the modern world. As [[David Foster Wallace]] puts it in his The Pale King, “To be, in a word, unborable…. It is the key to modern life. If you are immune to boredom, there is literally nothing you cannot accomplish”.
Like said before, I have been thinking about it for a while, intermittently sometimes and sometimes too strongly to the point it’s the only thing I’m living with. After last year’s [[Vipassana Re-treat]], the concept of Shankharas and desires is too much consciously on my mind. Desires aren’t necessarily bad or good. Attachment to them is the culprit. Our attachment to our desires is. Sole reason we suffer is this nature of attachment to desires….
I’m attached to this desire of death, about dying and what not. I’m attached to this desire of love and compassion; [[The Desire to Be Loved]]. I’m attached to the desires of having life partner who to could save me from my existential loneliness. I’m attached to the desires of wealth. The desires of becoming a great musician. The attachment to desires of materialistic world. The attachment to desires of being spiritual. At the end of this infinite list is the attachment to sound something profound that people would appreciate my existence and all the myriads of this existence.
The attachment to be free from all these desires is the ultimate attachment I seem to possess. I’m attached to this desire to be free. I’m attached to the desires of lessening my suffering. And no matter what, either death comes I’m my mind. Or just leaving everything behind and living a life of what people would say “Monk”.
Sure, interpretation is personal. But that’s not a point here. Rather, it feels like desires are at play. Or probably attachment to the desires. Of course, I’m not here to play reductionist to blame all my attachment shits to my failures as an individual? I am not sure. But it does feel like attachments are at play?
I’m attached to the projections of norms. I’m attached to these desires. I’m attached to these desires of love and relationships. I’m simply attached to my desires…
But I keep on thinking about it. Like “the root of suffering is attachment”. But that’s about it. This introspection also reminds me of my desire to go for another round of [[Vipassana Re-treat]].